Chair Talk

[UNLOCKED] bonus 030 - 15th March, 2020

Chair Talk 001 

4 Chairs Encountered in Recent Strange Circumstances 

Cafe Solutions “Air Chair” in Orange With Dead Colleague In It 

The boss asked me to go to check on a colleague who hadn’t been at work in a few days and wasn’t answering his phone. You’ve already read the title so you know why. I went over to his complex, found the apartment (17b) and knocked on the door. We weren’t great friends or anything but <colleague> was a nice enough man in the sense that he was polite and quiet. I knocked and waited for a few minutes and then knocked again and called out, “Hey <colleague’s name> are you there? It’s <my name> from work,” and waited for a bit more. Eventually the lady next door came out and asked if she could help me. I told her what I was doing and she said she’d call the manager. I guess the manager lived on site because she was there in less than 5 minutes. She opened up the door and all three of us went inside and found him dead propped up in his Cafe Solutions “Air Chair” in Orange with the television still on Sky News and a tray with one of those “Big Bloke Hungry Fella” type instant-dinners-for-one still on his lap. Upon later reflection I found the half-finished dinner the saddest part and also wondered if I had ever sat or slept on furniture that someone had died on. (I figured I probably had at some point.) I hope when you die you get to know answers to questions like that. The room had all the windows open so it didn’t smell too bad, but <colleague> looked a bit yellow and waxy, that was my primary read at the time. An indignant and ruddy-faced commentator on TV was talking about immigration and disease and vectors and duty and when he said something about “tidal waves” I turned it/him off while the manager called the ambulance. I called work and told my boss what happened and he said I could have the rest of the day off which was good and I felt I needed it and/or deserved it. 

2nd To Last Seat in a Crowded Minibus

Image result for school bus seat

I went on a half-day excursion with a new girl from work and on the to the museum we sat next to each other on the 2nd To Last Seat in a Crowded Minibus. Our legs were resting against each other and then she started to rub her outer thigh ever so slightly against mine, and when I looked at her she gave me back a look. A sex look. That might not mean much to you but I don’t remember a woman paying any sexual-type attention to me in seriously a decade or more. Also <new girl from work> was very attractive and, look I’ll say it, like ten years younger than me, which felt good. I got the stirrings of an erection and hoped she couldn’t tell but I also felt a very powerful mixture of arousal (what if she was in to me?) and horror (what if she wasn’t?) (And even worse, what if she actually was?). I didn’t talk to her much after that and in fact I made an effort to avoid her for the rest of the day. As we were waiting to get back on the bus one of the students was bitten by a stray dog. As I was administering first aid <new girl> came over and I didn’t detect any of that warmth or sexual type feelings anymore and wondered if I’d actually imagined the whole thing in the bus. After that she went with the student in the ambulance and I went back to the school with the other students. I’m not sure what happened to the dog.

Soiled Ergolux RX12 Deluxe Recliner Chair (Red, Racing Series) with Ottoman

When my brother’s mother-in-law died, I offered to go over to her house with him and help clean it up. We were wearing masks from Chemist Warehouse and old tracksuits and plastic gloves because the house was a total mess, lots of cat shit and bags of garbage and newspapers and god-knows-what-else piled up everywhere. When we got to her bathroom we found an entire cabinet full of different sorts of pain medications, benzos, muscle relaxants, etc. All the good stuff. I chucked everything into a plastic bag and said I was going to throw it in the bin but didn’t. Instead I put the plastic bag into my backpack and, when we were done, I took it all home and started eating various combinations of drugs while drinking wine and playing video games. This was during a shutdown so I had plenty of time, and all I did was game and drink cask wine and eat pharmaceuticals and eventually I was fucked up all the time, which wasn’t so bad but then I couldn't take a normal shit. After about a week of being super high and incredibly constipated I knew my internal situation was getting to a critical point with cramps and constant stabbing pains, but I managed to get myself to the Chemist Warehouse (same one I’d purchase the mask, actually) to buy some anti-constipation medication. I ate the medication and as a “last hurrah” scoffed a whole bunch of pills and flushed the rest down the toilet and immediately regretted it. I passed out in my chair playing Fortnite with some Tongan teenagers and when I came-to I had soiled my Ergolux RX12 Deluxe Recliner (Red, Racing Series) gaming chair. That’s the last time I ever used prescription drugs. I cleaned the chair up and still use it, actually. It’s fine. 

Prison Made From Monobloc Plastic Chairs

I was walking home late from work when I heard yelling from an alleyway. Of course at first I just kept going but then I thought like what if someone is actually being hurt down there? Was I really going to walk straight past and go home to jerk off and drink and play video games while someone was being assaulted (or worse) in an alleyway? One likes to think of one’s self as “not a complete piece of shit” but from time to time you gotta actually prove it so I doubled back to have a look. “Everything alright?” I said. As my eyes adjusted I saw a man in underpants encased in a roughshod orb of White Monobloc Plastic Chairs. The man’s face was powdered white with heavy stage makeup and he was tattooed from top to toe. To be honest I was afraid of him and wished I’d just kept walking. The man was punching the chair-prison which seemed to have been melted together (with a blowtorch I guess?) making a kind of like, dodecahedron Zorb™ ball if you know what I mean. “Lemme out,” he said, and there was some kind of surly air of officiousness about how he said it. He seemed very drunk, slurring his words. He did not strike me as a good person, and I intuited that whatever was happening was probably a much-deserved punishment of some kind. “Lemme outta here ya cunt,” he said and punched his chair-prison again, his knuckles all bloody and swollen. I quickly walked back out of the alley and didn’t tell anyone about this until just now.